| This article was first published in the California Divorce Magazine
and are reprinted here with their full permission. |
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Making Changes
Divorce is all about change --
some negative, and some positive. How you look and feel physically can have a considerable
impact on your emotional state; here's how to use a healthy diet, exercise, and maybe even
cosmetic surgery to make a change for the better.
By Diana Shepherd
Except for the death of a spouse or child, divorce produces more stress than any other
life event. This is a time of great upheaval, and sometimes it seems as if everything in
your life is changing at once -- whether you like it or not. Here's something you might
not know: the Chinese characters for "crisis" and "opportunity" are
the same. So why not use the crisis of divorce as an opportunity to start making some
positive changes in your life?
The only thing that's required of you is a
genuine willingness to change -- everything else will grow out of your commitment to
health and happiness. Without that commitment, however, any steps you take towards better
health will be severely limited in scope and efficacy. Purchase a health-club membership
or a piece of exercise equipment, and you'll stop using it after a month because you
"just can't find the time"; or start purchasing wholesome, fresh ingredients to
prepare nutritious meals and you'll be back to fast food or dinner-in-a-box in a matter of
days; try to quit smoking or drinking and you'll fall off the wagon as soon as the going
gets tough. Find out what motivates you, then use it to inspire you.
Motivation
The secret to long-term success seems to
boil down to two main elements: motivation and support. Fear can sometimes be very
motivating -- for instance, your uncle dies of lung cancer and you quit smoking -- but it
often isn't enough to effect permanent change. According to Dr. Andrew Weil, the author of
Eight Weeks to Optimum Health and Spontaneous Healing, you first have to identify
the pay-offs as well as the costs of a specific behavior in order to change it.
For instance, let's say you love rich,
high-fat foods. You know that your father -- who ate the same way you do now -- died of a
heart attack at 50, and that you have high blood pressure and bad knees from the 40 extra
pounds of fat you're carrying. Obviously, you should change your eating habits. But you
can't quite resist a double helping of fettuccine alfredo followed by a chocolate eclair.
"I've had a rough day," you think. "I deserve this delicious food -- and it
makes me feel so good!" The satisfaction of eating the foods you love outweighs the
fear of dying of a heart attack like your father. And as long as the rewards are greater
than the costs, you won't be able to change your eating habits.
"Even though I recognize the efficacy
of fear in facilitating behavioral change, I feel that seeking positive reinforcement (a
reward you can enjoy) is better than pursuing negative reinforcement (avoidance of
something you do not want to experience), because research shows that positive
reinforcement is better at maintaining new behavior," writes Dr. Weil in Eight
Weeks to Optimum Health. "If fear is your motivator, when fear subsides, so does
motivation. Fear can also paralyze you, preventing you from moving at all," he
continues.
So find a "rewarding" reason --
one that really inspires you -- to make positive lifestyle changes, and you're just about
assured of success. And if you can enroll people in supporting you to meet your goals --
whether they be friends, family, or a support group designed for your specific needs --
you're home-free.
Get Support
Sarah, a busy accountant and single mother
of two teenagers, never seemed to be able to make it to the gym. Either she was working
late at the office, or rushing home to prepare a meal for her kids. For her, the
breakthrough came when she gave up trying to be Superwoman and admitted that she needed
help to attain her goals. "The solution was so simple, I'm embarrassed I never
thought of it before," she says. "I asked my best friend to sign up for aerobics
classes with me, and not to let me weasel out of coming to a single one -- no matter how
good my excuse was. And I asked my kids to take turns preparing dinner on the three nights
a week that I would be coming home late after working out."
And she found a reward that was
"juicy" enough for her kids, too: that she would take a month off the next
summer to take them camping in the Rockies with their favorite cousins. Obviously, she
needed to be very fit for the trip, and her kids had lots of motivation for helping her
get and stay fit. "It was hard at first -- I was scrambling to get out of the office
in time to make every class," Sarah remembers. "But after a couple of months,
working out had become part of my normal routine -- like going to work or brushing my
teeth."
Managing Stress
Stress can be a constant companion during
separation and divorce. Unfortunately, stressful thoughts and feelings can actually damage
your physical health. So how do you relax and de-stress? If you're like most people, what
leaps immediately to mind are "treat" behaviors: smoking, drinking, taking drugs
(prescription or "recreational"), eating a carton of chocolate ice-cream --
whatever gives you feelings of pleasure and well-being, no matter how transitory.
Unfortunately, these behaviors temporarily ameliorate some of the symptoms without
addressing the root of the problem -- and none of them contribute to health and vitality.
Here are some better solutions. Consider
practicing Yoga and/or meditation on a regular basis (daily is best). Yoga can help you
release built-up tension and stress, strengthening the body while calming the mind. Once
you've learned the poses, all you need to practice yoga is a quiet, comfortable place and
about 20-40 minutes each day to breathe and stretch your stress away. Before trying yoga
or meditation on your own, you should meet with a qualified instructor to learn how to do
it properly -- which poses you should practice, and which you should avoid. Your
instructor will guide you through the correct positions, and teach you the basics of
proper breathing, meditation, and other relaxation techniques. "People who practice
yoga and meditation report they have more self-confidence, sleep better, eat better, and
that their stress and anxiety levels are greatly reduced," says yoga instructor Helen
Goldstein. "And 20 minutes of meditation has the positive effects of two-to-three
hours of sleep."
Massage is another great stress-buster.
Experts believe it offers many benefits, such as: reducing stress and blood pressure;
increasing relaxation and feelings of well-being.reducing muscle tension, swelling, and
inflammation; relieving "tension" headaches and chronic pain; soothing the
nervous system; improving blood circulation; aiding digestion; and increasing joint
mobility.
Food for Thought
At its most basic level, food is fuel for
the body. Whether you're in training for the Boston Marathon, someone who goes for daily
brisk walks, a skinny couch potato, or a chubby couch potato, the food you eat has a lot
to do with your mood, energy levels, stamina, and ability to fend off disease. Your diet
has a lot to do with the way you live your life -- and how long that life is going to
last. Even if you look slender on the outside, your diet could be setting you up for a
whole host of medical problems: from indigestion to clogged arteries to cancer. Your food
choices can put you on the road to wellness and vitality, or chronic fatigue and disease.
The first thing you need to do for yourself
is get a little education about nutrition in general, and your nutritional needs in
particular. Visit your family doctor; ask for a referral to a nutritionist; go to a health
spa; read Andrew Weil's Eight Weeks to Optimum Health, Covert Bailey's Fit or Fat?
(Houghton Mifflin), and James Meschino and Barry Simon's The Winning Weigh. Discuss
possible nutritional plans with your doctor to make sure they won't exacerbate existing
health problems. Exercise some common-sense when choosing a new diet regimen: steer clear
of anything that promises miraculous results in days, or advises you to eat from only a
single food group (e.g., grapefruit three times a day).
And then -- and this is key -- listen to
what your body is telling you about the food you're putting in your mouth. For instance,
if you get violent heartburn every time you eat green peppers, stop eating green
peppers! The best way to "cure" indigestion isn't by taking pills or
potions: it's to stop (or at least reduce) your consumption of foods that cause your
stomach to protest. Aside from stomach upsets, start paying attention to how you feel
after eating certain foods. Happy and energetic, or grumpy and tired? How do you feel
after eating a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a milkshake? An apple? A piece of
cheesecake? A spinach salad?
During her stormy divorce, Teri found
herself "living on various stomach medications. My digestion had never been the
greatest," she says, "but it became much worse during my divorce. I had
heartburn every day, and alternated between constipation and diarrhea." She went to
her doctor, who told her she had an "irritable bowel," prescribed stronger
medication to help control her symptoms, and basically told her to "get used to
it."
Feeling that she had nothing to lose, Teri
checked into a strict vegetarian health spa with personal trainers, chiropractors, massage
therapists, as well as a physician on staff. "About the third day of the program, I
suddenly realized that I was experiencing no stomach pain, no heartburn, and no diarrhea.
For me, the answer was simple: my body can't handle meat. I have been a vegetarian for
three years now, and I'm happy to report that my stomach problems haven't returned, and I
have more energy now than I did 20 years ago."
Does this mean you should rush out and
become a vegetarian? Maybe, and maybe not -- it all depends on what your body tells you.
"The first point to realize is that we are all different and our bodies need varying
regimes," notes Jane Alexander in Detox for Body, Mind, and Spirit (Key Porter
Books, 1998). "What suits my body might be anathema to yours... Finding the right
diet for you will be a case of trial and error," she adds.
Here are some suggestions on using food to
improve your mood:
- Cut back on caffeine, including coffee, tea, cola,
and chocolate. Women take note: caffeine has been found to play a huge role in PMS, from
breast pain to mood swings. For some people, one cup a day is too much; you'll need to
experiment to determine your threshold.
- Drink pure water. Ideally, you should be drinking
about two liters of filtered water every day. This is one of the simplest, and yet most
vital, steps you can take to improve your health.
- Go low-fat. Aside from improving your general health,
some studies suggest that a low-fat diet may help stabilize your mood. Some easy ways to
reduce your fat intake include avoiding fried foods, choosing leaner cuts of meat, and
removing the skin from poultry before cooking it. Buy only skim or 1% milk, and low-fat or
nonfat cheeses and yogurt. Increase your consumption of fresh fruits, vegetables, and
products made from whole grains (your body will thank you for the extra fiber, too).
- Take your vitamins. A deficiency in B vitamins --
particularly thiamin, riboflavin, folate (the naturally occurring form of folic acid), and
B6 -- can exacerbate depression. Taking vitamin C is probably a good idea, too. It boosts
your immune system, which probably isn't in tip-top shape right now.
- Butt out. Aside from increasing your risk of lung
cancer and heart disease, smoking triggers the release of stress hormones in the body.
In Stress Management for Dummies,
author Alan Elkin suggests that you "avoid highly sugared treats. They'll give you a
boost in the short run but let you down in the long run." He also suggests that you
choose snacks that have "high energy proteins and are high in complex carbohydrates.
They'll give you a longer-lasting pick-me-up." Elkin offers loads of great
stress-busting tips and advice in this highly-readable book -- everything from overcoming
anger to goal setting, meditation to organizational skills.
Exercise your Options
Adopting a nutritional program that suits
your individual metabolism and caloric requirements can clear up a lot of physical
ailments. But if you really want to look and feel great -- and help minimize the negative
effects of divorce-related stress on your body -- you need to do more than just eat right.
You need to exercise.
What's the best form of exercise? The
one you'll do. The best exercise equipment in the world won't do you a bit of good if
you can't bring yourself to use it more than once a month.
If you've been sedentary for the last few
years, you must see your physician before you start to exercise. If you haven't had
a full physical examination in the last year, now's a great time to have one. Please be
aware that pushing your body too hard too fast is a recipe for disaster -- at the very
least, you'll probably sprain or tear a muscle; at worst, you'll have a heart attack.
Unless your doctor vetoes the idea, a good
place to start is by taking daily walks, slowly increasing the speed, distance, and
duration. If you can't stand the idea of walking "aimlessly," give yourself
errands to accomplish on your walks: instead of driving, walk to the bank/post office/milk
store. Arrange to go for walks in scenic areas with friends so you can enjoy their company
as well as the surroundings while you walk.
If your lifestyle can accommodate it,
consider getting a dog: you're guaranteed daily exercise, and it's nice to come home to a
happy, enthusiastic welcome instead of an empty house. (Also, you've probably heard of the
therapeutic side-effects of pet ownership: that stroking an animal lowers your blood
pressure and decreases tension.) If owning a dog is out of the question, you could always
"borrow" one: your neighbor would probably be thrilled if you offered to take
her dog for a daily walk in the park.
To derive the maximum aerobic benefits from
walking, you should be working hard enough to be breathing harder than normal, but not so
hard that you couldn't carry on a conversation consisting of short phrases. For example,
if you were walking/jogging with a friend who asked you whether you'd seen any good movies
lately, and you were only able to force out "Yes!" while gasping for air, then
you need to slow down. If you can rattle off a thousand-word review of the film without
coming up for air, you need to pick up the pace.
Walking can also help you sleep better at
night -- good news for those suffering from divorce-related insomnia. In one study,
researchers discovered that people who walked at least six blocks a day at a normal pace
experienced fewer sleep-related problems such as nightmares, or trouble getting to or
staying asleep; in fact, they were one-third less likely to have trouble sleeping until
their wake-up time than people who didn't walk at all. And those who walked the same
distance at an aerobic pace were 50% less likely to suffer sleep problems than
non-walkers.
Sometimes, we develop pockets of fat that
are extremely resistant to diet and exercise. Here's an example: you exercise diligently
five days a week for six months and are near your ideal weight; you've lost three inches
off your thighs, two off your arms, but nothing from your waist or hips. Sound familiar?
If this is your situation, you might be a candidate for cosmetic surgery.
Body Image and Cosmetic Surgery
Do you like the way you look (face and
body)? If so, congratulations -- you have a positive body-image! If, however, there's some
physical aspect that's stopping you from getting out there and meeting new people -- for
friendship, support, or romance -- then by all means explore your options for
"fixing" your problem area.
This may or may not include cosmetic
surgery. Despite the fact that 7.4 million people had cosmetic surgery in 2000, it is not
the answer for everyone. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, some
people are just not appropriate candidates. Sometimes, a surgeon will decline to operate
on an individual because the his/her desire for an appearance change is being driven by an
emotional problem that no amount of surgery can fix.
Cosmetic surgery is not for you if:
- You're in the throes of a severe crisis (your spouse
just left you or died, or you lost your job yesterday).
- You have unrealistic expectations about what the
surgery will do for you (you think you'll acquire a celebrity's lifestyle if your nose
looked like his/hers; you want to look half your age, or half your size).
- You have a hidden agenda (you hope to win your spouse
back or get a promotion by having the surgery).
"We don't encourage people to have
surgery in order to save their marriage, or to get into a new relationship," confirms
Dr. Atul Kesawarni (M.D., F.R.C.S.C.), who heads the division of plastic surgery at
Toronto East General Hospital.
Before considering plastic surgery, ask
yourself these questions:
- Why do I want surgery?
- What do I expect it will do for me?
You may be a good candidate for surgery if
your goals are realistic, you have a generally positive body-image, but there's some
physical characteristic you'd like to improve or change. Under these conditions, even a
small physical change can give a large boost to your self-confidence, says Dr. Kesawarni.
According to the American Society of
Plastic Surgeons, the most popular surgical procedures are:
- Rhinoplasty (nose reshaping)
- Liposuction (permanently removing exercise-resistant
fat deposits)
- Blepharoplasty (correcting drooping upper eyelids or
puffy bags below eyes)
- Breast Augmentation
- Facelift
The most popular non-surgical procedures
are:
- Chemical Peel (resurfacing of the skin)
- Microdermabrasion (smooths lines scars, and wrinkles)
- Spider-vein removal (correcting drooping upper
eyelids or puffy bags below eyes)
- Botox injection (smooths facial wrinkles by blocking
nerve impulses)
- Laser hair removal (permanent)
Plastic surgery procedures can be stressful
-- both on the body and mind. Schedule your surgery at a time when you're not suffering
from exceptional stress, or physical or emotional burdens. Patients who go into surgery
feeling preoccupied or pressured with other matters may face longer and more difficult
recovery periods than those who are relatively relaxed.
Looking Good!
If you invest the time, energy, and
commitment into caring for your body properly, it will repay you generously. "If you
can follow a program of healthy living for two months, you will have made the commitment
of time and energy necessary for it to work," says Dr. Weil.
The information in this article is for
information-purposes only. Do not begin any diet or exercise regimen without checking with
your doctor first.
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